Wednesday, 7 December 2011

A bunch of little things.(from August 25th, 2008)

I feel like there are too many things that require my attention. But I can't think of what they are. This week seems to have snuck up on me. Suddenly I have to go back to Victoria in three days and I feel as though I am in a bit of a panic. I think I have been thinking about it in terms of just going back for a visit. But tonight it suddenly hit me that I have another treatment on friday and I feel a bit sick about it. I was so in credibly tired today. I woke up feeling really great so I took Indiana to the park and when we got back it was like all my energy had been sucked out of me. I ended up letting Indiana play in her crib for nearly an hour after her nap, just so I could sleep a little more. I'm worried that this means low blood levels again. I don't know if they will bother putting me on neupagen for just one chemo treatment. I really don't want to have to give myself a shot everyday for a week or so.

Another little reality check. I went bra shopping. It's a horrible thing to have to do on a regular day, but this was my first attempt at purchasing a new bra since having Indiana. Not only do I have to figure out what size I am after pregnancy and breast feeding, but I have this whole new consideration of the partial mastectomy to deal with. And even though it hasn't dramatically changed the shape of my breast from the outside point of view, it's different from where I'm looking at it. And my cleavage will never be the same. The scar is visible if I wear even a slightly low-cut tank top, and my boob hangs different. I didn't end up buying a bra. And I nearly started to cry in the store.

Also, I had to buy an eyebrow pencil. I've never been one to pencil my eyebrows. I've never had to. But they are pretty pathetic these days. All patchy and thin. And for some reason that bothered me too. Shopping for an eyebrow pencil. I think the one I bought was too dark though, because it looked really bad when I tried to draw in my brows. We'll see though. My friend Sara is a make-up artist, and she's coming over for a visit tomorrow. We'll see if she can't help me with it. But I almost cried in the Shoppers Drug Mart when picking out a pencil.

I've started going out without a hat, though. It really is very uncomfortable to wear anything on my head, and I mostly wear a hat to keep other people from feeling uncomfortable. And I don't really know if people look at me and get that I'm bald because of chemo or if I just look like a skin-head. Kurt says I look super tough with my bald head. And I don't know if that intimidates people.

I keep thinking of this time when I was in high-school and my friend Genna and I rode our bikes to Salt Spring Island. I had a shaved head then and I remember us stopping outside an Ice Cream shop in Ganges and this little girl was going in with her mother and she looked at my bald head and recoiled, crying out "Ew!"

I don't think I am a vane person. And I have never really cared what people thought of me. I didn't have a six inch Mohawk so that I could be seen as pretty. Perhaps it's the lack of choice. I used to shave my head all the time. Usually on a whim because I was having a bad hair day. And mostly the hair loss doesn't bother me. But I don't like not having a choice about it. Maybe I have a harder time being confident about it. If I have shaved my head for defiant anti-fashion reasons then I can strut around all confident about it, and people remark about the guts that I have to do that. The shaved head becomes a reflection of me. But now, it's simply a reflection of a disease. And it makes me wonder if I have to inform people - my new landlord, my new neighbors - that I have cancer, or if they can tell that for themselves.

Also, chemo induced menopause isn't as great as it sounds. I thought my period would just stop, but it turns out that it's just like natural menopause. -Meaning I have to endure who knows how long of erratic periods that are the exact opposite of stopping. And my cycle could go back to normal after chemo is finished, but it may not, and there's really no way to know which has happened until I either don't have periods anymore or continue to have them for another 15 or so years, when I can go through it again. And of coarse the only way you know if you aren't having your period anymore is if you don't have one anymore. And I remember my mother going through it. You could think you are all done and then 8 months later you get a period. Oh yeah, it's fun.

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